


Keinu

by Paleface95



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Bipolarity, POV Second Person, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:02:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26140108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paleface95/pseuds/Paleface95
Summary: Working my feelings out through writing.
Kudos: 4





	Keinu

**Author's Note:**

> From Kimi’s POV

You blame yourself, 

hate yourself, 

disgust yourself, 

pity yourself 

but you still manage to 

worship yourself, 

love yourself, 

desire yourself. 

I don’t understand how you do that. I’ve come a long way accepting myself the way I am. You’re hopping sides on being humble to being cocky and arrogant. Being sad and happy. Angry but the next moment you’re calm. 

You’re swinging on the Lord’s swing. Every time you touch the clouds, you think, _is this what Heaven feels like?_ Every time you fall back into the deep, Lucifer welcomes you to his Kingdom.

You feel the ups and downs. One moment you’re the highest you’ve ever been, the next you’re on the lowest point of the ravine. Then you manage to get even higher up. 

I see every compliment feed your ego. I hear the challenging tone of your voice. I see the teasing smirk on your face. 

But I see every obstacle in your way drag you down. I see your breath hitch. I see your body trembling. I see you beating yourself up with every failure. 

I don’t know do you hate yourself more than you love yourself. Do you even love yourself? Every time I look into your eyes, I see someone whose broken. Maybe I’m imagining it, because every time I look into your eyes, I see someone whose determined to win, to live.

_Do you want to live?_ I ask you.

You don’t respond. You look up to meet my stare. I try to read you. But you smile. 

I like your smile. 

You’re now walking on a rope, in the void. You’re alone. You panic as you feel yourself stumble on your steps, you fall. 

It’s pain. It hurts. You hold my gaze, I’m concerned for you. You open your mouth, trying to form a sentence, let alone a word. A tear rolls down your face. 

You say goodbye. 

You’re not here anymore. I hold out a cry. 

I now know that the hatred for yourself was too much. It swallowed you into itself and destroyed you. Like a black, dark and heavy blanket suffocated the breath away from you. Its stalking me now, like a prey. The evil grin telling me how it made you fall. How it’s going to make me fall.

Now I understand how it feels to love myself but also disgust myself. 

Now I’m on the swing, I’m holding onto it, waiting for the mania, when I’m unstoppable, like you were. 

I saw your best and worst moments. Now I’m starting to think it all were just bad and worse. I loosen my grip on the swing. 

I jump. The gap underneath me sucks me into its embrace. 

I don’t feel pain like you did. Maybe I do, but I’m too far gone. My heart rate slows down. I see you. You smile. My body goes limp when you touch me. 

My heart rate stops. 

We are eternity.

**Author's Note:**

> ”Keinu” means (a) swing in finnish.  
> Keinu is a song from a finnish artist that tells about the bipolar disorder. The translate is about right.
> 
> ”Hän joka keinussa Jumalten keinuu/  
> Väliä taivaan ja helvetin heiluu/  
> Hän kokee huiput ja kuilut kun keinuu”
> 
> ’He who swings on the Lords’ swing/  
> Between Heaven and Hell [he] swings/  
> He experiences the ups and downs as he swings”


End file.
